Dear stalkers,
Let's talk about men today. Men are fascinating, simple creatures. They are either nice guys who are chill nerds/jocks, or oppressive conservative misogynists that objectify and rape women. Right? Obviously, you're a nice guy. So this post is essentially dedicated to you. The target audience of this chapter are all the nice guys out there. WE SEE YOU and this is a just token of appreciation for everything you've done for us. You are our hero and you're not like the other guys at all.
Note: When I say "nice guys", I don't mean all nice guys. I'm sure you will understand what I'm talking about, through the course of this letter.
It has been brought to my attention that I have been posting too much about hating men lately. God forbid, I start inspiring people to become misandrist, which would endanger the lives of innocent men and rob them of the credit they deserve for all their good deeds. Men deserve to have rights to not be hated, right? I mean, IMAGINE a world that is run by a system built by a vast majority of one gender, aimed at oppressing a vast majority of another gender. Thankfully, we don't live in such a world [that is run by matriarchy, built to oppress men]. Lucky, aren't we?
Allow me to 'womansplain'. *proceeds to womanspread*
Feminists are simply "women who are trying to ensure as many abortions as possible occur" and "man haters/feminazi". You're a nice guy, you're chill and you love women. You've never raped someone and you think misogyny and sexism are funny only if they're jokes, not in practice. You have been in situations where you could have been "a bad guy" but you chose not to. That's a big deal because it's so hard to find nice guys nowadays, right? Yet no one rewards you for not taking advantage of your position in the situation! It must be difficult to find a girl because of all the widespread hate that men get. It's so challenging to get women to trust you nowadays. You are ideal boyfriend material because you're nice not abusive, you are emotionally available and even accept therapy. You are different! You're not a part of those men that people hate. You are one of THE nice guys.
Are you with me so far? I won't take no for an answer.
Great! Now let me talk about the men in my life. I have guys who are very good friends of mine. There have been times when I have been betrayed by some of my female friends, usually out of jealousy, but I have never faced that with my male friends. I Iove them and I think they are some of the coolest people I know. I would actively take a bullet for them. My ex boyfriend is one of my closest friends. He helped me through the darkest, lowest and most excruciating phases of my life. He has been there for me when I had no one. Apart from my father and brother, he is the next strongest pillar of my belief in "not all men". He never hurt me and always took responsibility for his mistakes. He has always been emotionally available and he is constantly trying to understand women and how to treat them better. He was very supportive even after I came out to him about my sexuality, and his support has been unwavering even long after our breakup.
I love my brother (9 years older than me) more than anyone else in my family. He absolutely adores me eventhough he lives all the way across the globe from me. I have a really good relationship with my father and I have never seen/never will see a better man than him. My mom is extremely lucky to find someone like him and she herself admits it. My parents have the healthiest marriage I've ever seen in my life and it was an arranged marriage over 25 years ago.
A few years back, I did a small survey based research about toxic masculinity and published it on my formerly active blog. The people who took the survey were guys and men in my life who wanted to participate and provide the other side of the conversation about masculinity. I am a huge advocate for men who love and respect the women in their lives as well as others. I love men who treat women like people and don't whine about not getting rewarded for doing the bare minimum.
So if I have such positive and enriching relationships with the men in my life, then why do I incessantly post about my rage towards men? Where does my hatred towards men come from? Where is my 'andar ka' feminism?
First of all, I identify as a cisgender queer woman. By cisgender, I mean I was assigned female at birth and I identify as a woman. By queer, I mean I am not heterosexual. In the course of all 23 years of my life, I have had several experiences with guys and men, out of which only three involved romance- two of which were long distance relationships, and the remaining one never went beyond friendship.
Apart from that, I have experienced sexual harrasment at various points of my life, starting from the time I hit puberty. There is no end point to those experiences because I still deal with such men even now. I have many female friends who have experienced far worse cases of violence from men, if not similar. These cases include not only sexual violence but also emotional and mental abuse. I see them happening all around me- in news headlines and social media. I have several stalkers trying to harass me online, while the offline-stalkers spread rumours to defame me. I have been slutshamed by both girls and guys in my college. From the very core of my upbringing as a girl child in a typical Hindu, Indian family to my twenties in college- I have been a host, victim, survivor, and an audience to countless forms of bad male behaviour and misogyny.
Whether it's me personally, or someone from family or my closest social circle, or someone I see on media- the impact of the harm any guy or man causes to any girl or woman is always equally grave, traumatising and infuriating. When you are forced to be quiet and forced to not react to all this for years, just to "protect" someone, or protect good relations, reputation, careers, and sometimes your own life- no amount of rage and hatred feels enough. Women don't owe any explanation about their rage to anyone and as the author, writing this entire piece feels mentally and emotionally draining and dehumanising. I was questioned and attacked by a nice guy about why I hate men so much and why I have been posting so much about it. Naturally, I was compelled to respond.
As my partner put it very aptly : Men are like snakes. Not all of them are gonna kill you. But when you see one and you have no clear knowledge about them, you get scared and run anyway. When you aren't a part of "all men" or "all women", if someone knows you, they'll know that. You don't need to defend yourself.
I have carried such experiences my whole life as secrets to protect family relations, to protect other people and also to protect myself. The removal of Chapter 3 was also an act of silencing for protection. The only people who are being protected by all this are the men who committed the crimes and remain undiscovered. Even if people find out, they are never held accountable because people blame the victim and their supporters.
It is quite unfathomable how we are expected to silently absorb bad male behaviour, live our oppressed lives as if these things are non-existent, and if any of us ever finds the courage to speak up against it- they will be squished under the shoes. Don't tell me to not hate men- because that is my survival instinct. Don't tell me to make you feel better about yourself or to reward you for doing the bare minimum. Don't tell me how to feel about my trauma and about the people who caused them. Don't tell me you are not privileged just because you're a man.
When we rant about men, we don't mean all men. When we are kind to you or treat you like a human being, we are not flirting with you. When we date or marry you, we are not giving you consent to have sex with us whenever you want to. When we say we don't want kids, you do not get to say that we'll change our mind when our "maternal instinct" kicks in or that we'll regret it in the future. When we take decisions about our body, you don't get any say in that. When we have sex with you, you deal with the consequences just as much as we do- no matter what they are. When we exist, you don't get to police how we exist.
*WOMANSPREADS MORE, LEANS IN AND INTENSIFIES EYE CONTACT*
As for me posting too much about hating men- I don't have that many followers and I'm sure none of them are so spineless that they would lead their beliefs based on what they see me post. Second of all, my exclusive hatred and rage towards men is a response to the experiences of my own and that of others. If you feel attacked by any of it, chances are it *is* about you.
Yours truly,
H
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